Pilot Epidemic

Have you noticed something different about your fellow employees lately? I’m talking physically changing before your eyes. Next time you go to work, look at the pilots’ fingernails. A bit long and oh, so dirty. Yes, they try to wash their hands more frequently and pay special attention to the nails but on “that” side of security the fingernail file is not available. Waiting for the commute home they fidget with their hands, occasionally feeling in their pocket for the Swiss Army knife they used to carry. Oh yeah, confiscated on the way to work! An amputated nail file still lingers in their memory.Did you know that there are 113 diseases of the skin and nails, some directly related to improper upkeep of the hand and nails? A recent internet search showed 496 sites advertising help with some of these maladies, but all of them requiring proper hygiene after complying with these remedies. What about us? Are we left out here like clothes to dry? Has the government forgotten our little predicament? A few phone calls I made confirmed what I already knew. They refuse to believe there is a problem, let alone a blossoming epidemic on hand (ha, ha). Back to normal! Do your job. Continue as usual. But we don’t have the tools to do the job! Please sir, let us have our 1 1/2 inch nail files back. Do you realize as pilots we can carry firearms? Give us a little training and a lock box to carry our nail files in at least.A call to the Center for Disease control did get a little sympathy but this SARS virus has them a little busy and they said they’d get back to me. They did recommend wearing latex gloves but beware there is a large part of the population that is allergic to latex, so be careful.I’m not a scientist but I have been to the Galapagos Islands and my understanding is that the pilot group and their genetic off-spring will eventually grow abnormal fingernails evolving to suit their environment (being on the secure side of the airport system nearly half of the lives). One or two generations is my guess. I do remember a picture of Howard Hughes near his airplane. Look what happened to his fingernails.

Senior speak

What Room Are You In?That should be a simple question, but it’s getting increasingly harder to answer. Room 451, no, 251 I think. Is it Dublin or Shannon? Was it the last trip I was in that same room or a different one? Are there two “R”s in Mar(r)iot(t) or two “T”s or both?Do I fly too much to Europe or is this the start of “Senior “ speak (what, was that for us)? I apologize to the younger co-pilots right now for the small memory or hearing lapses but I can remember where the crew bus picks us up in 32 different cities, so I think I’m good for something.The Euro makes it easier for all of us going to Europe, but I still occasionally call the local money by their older names (pound, punt, peso, sucres, soles). Pound and peso may still be good but what about soles? I don’t honestly remember. Current change is the problem (no pun intended). I can remember distinctly 1965 through 1975 but later on gets fuzzy. There’s only so much room in the old brain for changes or new information. I mean consequential information, of course. Aircraft systems and professional information is top priority. It’s the minutae of life that has the random access memory. When you shut down to sleep each night it clears the RAM. Next day you start over to fill it up. Lately I’ve been categorizing the crew members’ names on the printed crew list. MaryAnn gets an “F” (for front galley, of course), and Margaret goes by Jan. I believe Martha likes to be called Martita so I’ll annotate that. Does anybody remember the IRO’s name? I’m glad I flew nine different model B-727s when I was younger. Did we used to do a taxi checklist?